What’s Missing From Sex: Commitment (Part 1)

This blog series is following my church’s series, “What’s Missing From Sex” as my pastor preaches about a topic the church has mostly avoided. This particular post goes with the second sermon in the series and can be found on my church’s website here. I urge you to listen! The sermon begins about 17:00 minutes into the video.

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image courtesy of ponsulak / freedigitalphotos.net

“I just want to feel pleasure. I just need a release. I don’t need a boyfriend, I just want someone to satisfy me.” These thoughts ran through my head for many years as I sought out the wrong kind of relationships to fill a void in my life—a void that I had actually created myself with a dependence on pornography and a thought life that reflected it. One of my many issues stemming from a pornography addiction at a young age was that I grew up believing that people were objects to be used for my pleasure instead treasures to be valued. Pornography had taught me a number of things, but the most important and deadly lesson it taught was that I didn’t need commitment from people—and that I wasn’t capable of giving it, either.

Thankfully, God has healed me of many of these destructive thought patterns and actions while teaching me the following things about commitment:

Commitment takes more than words. For me, commitment didn’t seem that important when it came to people and relationships. I saw a lot of people giving their word but not keeping it—especially in relationships, and therefore, my own personal view of commitment became skewed. But I was looking in the wrong place for my ideas about commitment: I should have been looking at the cross. After all, that is where true commitment was modeled for me in Jesus Christ: He didn’t just say He came to save, He did. He suffered, bled, and died for me—an act that blessed me with forgiveness. The Bible says that we should treat others as we would want to be treated (Luke 6:31). Don’t you want others to be committed to you? I did—and still do.

Commitment takes time. Commitments aren’t created and kept overnight. A commitment isn’t just one action; it’s a series of actions over time that show loyalty, communion, and grace. It’s one of the reasons that God wants sex to happen within marriage: because sex is so personal, so spiritual, so emotional, it is refined and perfected over the years of a long and healthy marriage. It takes time to build the trust, love, and intimacy—whether in friendship or marriage. And we must be willing to sacrifice the time it takes to form healthy commitments instead of depending on the quick fix that will leave us wounded, broken, and still searching for truth.

Commitment takes everything you have. There’s no commitment in pornography, no commitment in one-night stands, and no commitment in the endless pursuit of sexual satisfaction outside of marriage. And in those things, there’s also nothing required of you to give. When I was hooking up with the still-married man or having “a little fun” in college, I wasn’t required to give anything outside of a physical relationship—even though I did and I came away deeply scarred. True commitment takes more than just words and time—it requires everything of you. This is why God created sex for marriage—because He created it for two people who have committed their entire lives and beings to loving and serving one another (Hebrews 13:4). A loving, healthy marriage takes everything you have and everything you are—and it is where sex is best experienced.

As my pastor noted, per Christian Mingle, 63% of Christian men and women from that website have said they would have sex before marriage. For some time, I was one of those people. But in my heart, I never truly believed that I should, and so I didn’t. It is only by God’s grace that I am still a virgin who is saving myself for marriage, even though I have made many sexual mistakes. In order to change my behavior, though, I had to change my thoughts about commitment—and realize that the God who stood by His commitment to save me wanted to teach me about true commitment—through a real relationship with Him.

If you want to know about true commitment through a relationship with Jesus Christ, please visit my Contact Me page! I would love to talk to you about the healing and saving power of Jesus Christ!

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