Category Archives: Mercy Male

The Trio: Safe Supervision

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image courtesy of lekkyjustdoit at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Introduction

The first time I met my boss was during my interview; he had his head resting on his hands the entire time. He was exhausted, and there was no denying it. When you’re in politics, and a mercy gift to boot, it’s highly likely that you’re doing some people pleasing–and that was definitely the case with my boss. A compassionate man, he is always willing to listen and give people his time. Everyone who calls our office claims to be “a good friend” of his, and he knows more people than I ever will. (But like a true mercy, he has very few who are actually close to him.) He has told me many times that he needs a great deal of time to process, and he is married to a prophet woman who does a great job of giving him many of the things he needs. More than just compassionate, my boss is caring and has grown into his mercy gift at age 61. He has something that the other two in the trio do not yet have: maturity. And beyond that, he has what my coworker lacks: acceptance of his gift.

The Involvement

The involvement with my boss on my end has simply been that I have gotten to be led by a mature mercy male for the first time in a long time. It has been less about what I am doing to be involved and more about what I am learning through my relationship with him. I have worked under former mercy male leaders, and it has been disastrous in some areas. It is helpful that my current boss and his wife are devout Christians; that his wife has a solid identity and therefore does not feel intimidated by me or challenged by my involvement in his professional life; and that I myself am more grounded in my own identity in Christ. It is wonderful to genuinely care for my boss and see his gifts displayed in such a public way, with such maturity. He is incredibly good at asking for help in the areas where he does not have great control, like boundaries with his time. He is not only well liked, he is well respected by folks in all walks of life and is one of the humblest men I know. Working with him daily reminds me of how much I want a Jesus-loving, humble, grounded-in-his-identity, mercy male husband of my own.

The Importance

My boss represents something in a mercy male relationship that I have not experienced in a long time: safety. This is a stunning revelation to me, even as I write it. Last week, as I was thinking about this blog, I actually said to myself that I did not know what the importance of this relationship was–but now it’s very clear to me. Listen, I know relationships, people, even LIFE ITSELF is not safe. Nor did Jesus call us to a safe life. But I know that I have been avoiding mercy males–or at least keeping a safe distance–because of how many times I’ve been hurt by them. And while I am aware that Jesus assured us we would have a life full of troubles (John 16:33), I am also aware that we are to guard our hearts, because all of life springs forth from it (Proverbs 4:23). I am enjoying the safety of my relationship with this mature mercy male because we all need safe people in our lives. He does not flirt or lead me on intentionally or unintentionally; he does not use me to get his touch needs fulfilled; I don’t feel guarded around him because he is mature enough to set his own boundaries. That means I don’t have to guard my heart, because he helps in that area. So instead of feeling stressed and worried around him, I am enjoying a kinship with a mercy male, and our dynamic flows exactly the way God intended it to. We joke, we laugh, we share, and we naturally work well together but not in any kind of inappropriate or unhealthy way. In fact, he just got back from a week-long trip, and the first thing he did when he saw me was give me a hug. I did not feel used, I did not feel weird–I just enjoyed the cool, safe relationship I have with a mercy male.

There’s something to be said for feeling safe in a relationship. And while I know my ultimate safety comes from spending time in the arms of my Savior, it is nice to know that I can also find safety in a relationship with a mercy male who has no agenda except to care for those he leads. And that has been remarkably healing for this pushy prophet girl.

 

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The Trio: Worship While Waiting

trio of chairs

image courtesy of satit_srihin at freedigitalphotos.net

This one is a hard one to write! I wanted to save him until last–because I wanted to figure out what was going on here before I wrote about it. That did not happen. But I actually believe it’s fitting to put my former worship leader in the middle of the trio blogs. Of the three, he’s my favorite. But he’s also the most confusing.

The Introduction

The first time I saw worship leader (WL) was my first visit to the church when I moved here back in May. I immediately looked at my friend and said, “Who is that guy?” And she said, “One of the worship leaders.” And I said, “He’s a mercy gift. Trouble.” I know my history with mercy males–I wanted to avoid at all costs. He was young–only 21, and those younger mercy males are always drawn to me, which makes my life infinitely more difficult. So I made note and decided to keep my distance. WL was a great guy–he loves Jesus more than anything, always seems willing to learn, and did a pretty good job of transitioning into a leadership role when our former worship leader left abruptly. Knowing that he was a great guy AND a mercy gift, I stayed away from him for the most part, even after joining the worship team. But he did not do as good a job on his end (lol). And besides, no one can really stop the mercy-prophet magnetism. It just is. And the magnetism intensified once I stopped praying for my coworker. But I was careful to guard my heart and stay accountable in my interactions with him.

The Involvement

I was unsure what God wanted of me in this situation. I would pray for WL intermittently, but not like I was praying for my coworker. I didn’t feel called to pray for WL as much–he seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, a pretty solid relationship with the Lord, and he was a growing role model and leader in our church. Not to mention, he has great parents and a solid, Christian family and framework. But WL kept showing up in my dreams. Sometimes, he would just be standing there, sometimes he and I would have a conversation–it was nothing inappropriate or ridiculous, but my mind would not let him go. So I did what every smart pushy prophet girl would do in that situation.

I switched church campuses.

Now, before you go and say that I ran away from the problem, let me explain. No, it’s too much–let me sum up. (Name that movie!) I moved further away from my church right around the time I joined the worship team last fall. Then at the beginning of this year, I joined a small group at a campus right down the street from my house. While I was struggling with these emotions related to WL, I was also struggling with whether I should even be at that campus in the first place. I had found my PEOPLE at the campus near my house…women that I was really connecting with, serving at the food bank there…and when I visited for worship one Sunday, I just felt at home. It’s not that I did not love the campus with WL, it was just that this one near my house felt like the perfect fit. So after a lot of prayer, I made the switch. I told WL that I was leaving, and he said the most perfect mercy male 21-year old leader things in return, and I left.

The Importance

I am still dreaming about WL. In fact, this morning, I texted my friend and told her I wanted a lobotomy. What does this mean? Honestly, I don’t know. All that I know is that despite the fact that I no longer talk to WL, don’t see him at all, and have zero interaction with him, the Lord still puts WL on my mind both while awake and while asleep. So I have taken to praying for him a great deal, and praying for what the Lord wants to show me. I most certainly miss WL–he is good people. But I also miss my mom, and I don’t ever dream about her. So while I figure that out, prayer seems to be the best option–and in this case, it’s the only option. I can’t figure this one out on my own–and I might never figure it out. Perhaps there is something going on with WL that only God and WL know about, and I am supposed to pray for him when God injects him into my mind. Whatever the reason, it’s up to God to reveal them to me. It’s up to me to pray and worship while I wait for the answers.

Isn’t it funny when God keeps hammering the same lesson into your heart? (Maybe not!)

The Trio: Coworker Coexistence

trio of chairs

image courtesy of satit_srihin at freedigitalphotos.net

Let’s just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t. (Romans 12:6, The Message)

I struggled with which of the Trio to begin with because I have a lot to say about each of them. However, I’m starting with the coworker, because though I met him last of the three, he is the first one who influenced me deeply.

The Introduction

Coworker and I met on my first day on the job. I knew from the first moment we met that he was a mercy gift; I actually told my friend that my coworker was a mercy male, and I knew it was going to be difficult. He is my age—we graduated the same year, but he is already in a high ranking government position, making hand-over-fist money-wise, and one of the smartest people I know in his area of expertise. One time, he was talking shop in my office, and I thought, “wow, this guy is smart, good-looking, and wealthy–what is wrong with him?”

I quickly found out: he lacks identity in Jesus.

Within one week of working with him, I could tell that my coworker was rebelling against his mercy gifting. I could see it in his lack of compassion for others; the way he shuts everyone out, the way he refuses to let anyone care for him at all; the way he treats the people who work for him, the almost robotic nature of his relationships with others; the way he wraps his identity in his job; the rumors about his sexuality. I could see the struggles he was having, even though he tried to hide them.

The Involvement

I began praying for him and speaking very heavily into his identity as a mercy male. I wrote him notes to thank him for showing generosity and to encourage the compassion within him that I knew was there. We had a bit of a dispute—which is NOT the mercy’s strong point, as they just can’t deal with the emotions of conflict—and I made it a point to come into the office on the weekend, when I knew I could catch him, to talk the issue out with him. He hugged me (something that no one in our office has ever experienced, EVER), and we resolved the issue. I spoke life-giving words to him whenever I could, and my other coworkers noted that even they noticed the difference in him.

But after six months of praying fervently for him and speaking into his identity, I stopped. I found myself dealing with feelings for him that I did not want to have. I struggled so badly and felt so despondent about the experience that I asked a friend to take over the prayers and I pulled back from him significantly. And I watched much of the positive changes in him fade away.

During these last six months, I have seen him become even more withdrawn, argumentative, and wholly focused on himself. He has distanced himself from staff without reason and refuses to engage them when asked. He recently said that he could “take care of himself, because he had been doing so his entire life, and he didn’t need anyone.” And even worse, as I have not prayed for him, I have seen my own heart harden towards him.

The Importance

Praying is imperative, and one of the things that I said I was going to do for the mercy male, regardless of what else I felt led to do, was pray for them. And one reminder I gave myself was, “what if I’m the only person in this entire world that is praying for him?” I don’t know that his parents are Christians, and he doesn’t have many friends. So pondering that question drives home to me the importance of bringing him before the Lord. But I’m also under this realization: prayer is not sovereign; God is sovereign. God doesn’t need me or my prayers to work in my coworker’s life. God needs me to pray so that I can cultivate a better relationship with Him and become more like Him in my daily interactions with everyone, including and perhaps especially with my coworker. I want to see him walking in His God-given identity as a mercy gift, and doing so cheerfully (Romans 12:8). I want Him to know the Lord as I do.

I was worried that I was getting too close to my coworker through my prayers. Now, instead of worrying, I am learning the importance of trusting the Lord to protect my heart as I fulfill His directive to pray. And though he doesn’t know it, I have my coworker to thank for this invaluable lesson.

Breaking Bad: The Purpose

image courtesy of sattva / freedigitalphotos.net

image courtesy of sattva / freedigitalphotos.net

Maybe you’re wondering how this all fits together.

My original desire to break bad, which erupted after a difficult year, led to a crisis of conscience in many ways. Quite honestly, for those six weeks, I was perfectly fine with falling back into all those (lust) sins that so easily entangle. It can be difficult being single in today’s world, especially as part of the church. I’m not one of those single Christian women who is going to sugarcoat how hard it is by telling you that I quote Bible verses that keep me going and bring me back on track. It just doesn’t happen all of the time. Sometimes, Scripture consoles me and brings me understanding and wisdom. But when it comes to my purity and singleness struggles, I find very little solace in the Word. I’m not afraid to admit that, because I think God meets me in my honesty. In addition, Christians in general are terrible at comforting singles. Save for one, my married friends are collectively the most terrible people in the world at understanding my single girl struggles. It’s like they forgot what it’s like to be single in a sex-crazed world. Friends who have been married only a couple of years—and who three years ago were crying next to me—have taken up spouting verses and Christian idioms at me when I struggle with remaining pure and being good. So I have stopped confiding in them about my issues, because even when I tell them nicely that they’re not helping, they still fall back on those outdated practices.

Save for one. There is that one married Christian woman who helped to bring me back from the edge of breaking bad. She listened. She cried with me. She shared her own struggles with loneliness in her marriage—not to distract or compare, but to share that she struggles, too. And she never once shared a Bible verse or beat me down with the Bible—she only promised to pray for me and to encourage me. And I know that she did—because the day I confided in her about wanting to be bad and cried with her about being single and the day she began to pray for me is the day I met God in a worship song as I cried over Chris Evans’ mercy soul.

You see, there’s this delicate balance between our sin struggles, God’s grace, and our calling. I think, in many ways, that breaking bad is where much of our PureID™ is formed and found. Our sin struggles are where God meets us, where He talks to us about our identity as He is purifying us, where He places a call on our lives to bring others to Him in specific ways. It’s where He begins the refining process, even if we’re not ready. I’m not “fine” with my sin anymore—but I’m also not beating myself up about it like I used to. In essence, I think I’m beginning to understand grace more simply by being broken for the mercy male.

I wish I could tell you what this means for me and mercy males—but I don’t know. Here’s what I do know: I know that I haven’t quite broken bad yet. I am still struggling with daydreaming and lust. But for the first time in the midst of this struggle, I have felt the Lord draw closer to me. I’ve had the Spirit intercede for me with words and groans that I don’t understand. And last night, I prayed in depth for all the mercy males I’ve known in my life, and I prayed for the ones I don’t know—like Chris Evans. After I finished, I tried to fall asleep but couldn’t for three miserable hours—and God tenderly let me know that it was because I wasn’t finished praying for them. Once I did (at 12:30 a.m.!), sleep came easily.

I want to know what’s next in my calling to the mercy male more than anyone. But I believe wholeheartedly in Luke 16:10, which says that whoever is faithful in the little things will be faithful in the large things. I also believe in the parable of the talent, that when God entrusts us with something—small or large, He is the one who will multiply it, if we are faithful and we trust Him. And though it isn’t “little” at all, I think that, right now, my job is simply to pray and intercede for the mercy male—all of them, some of them, one of them. Where that leads next, I don’t know. But I now know that if you allow God to work even amidst your greatest sins and struggles, your breaking bad can lead to His greater good.

Breaking Bad: The Introduction

image courtesy of akeeris / freedigitalphotos.net

image courtesy of akeeris / freedigitalphotos.net

I think that, after that last blog, it’s really important for me to talk about the mercy male in general and who he is. Otherwise, when I say things like, “mercy males really struggle,” you aren’t going to have a clue what I mean.

I’ve blogged about the spiritual gifts before (read about mercy gift here), but it was short and sweet, just to give you an indication about each gift. But I want to go into the mercy male in depth—in what might even be a longer blog than normal because…I’ve always been a bit inclined towards the mercy male. Ever since I started studying spiritual gifts, I have believed that there isn’t enough research and study on the mercy male. While the mercy qualities extend to mercy-gifted females as well, because this post is about the mercy male, I’m only going to refer to males. It’s because mercy males are so beautiful and intricate, and yet so misunderstood and probably struggle more than any other gift.

I don’t want to cover every single characteristic of the mercy gift here—there are many. But I do want to focus on enough of them that you understand who mercy males are. So allow me to introduce you to the mercy male:

Mercy males are those guys that you can talk to about anything. They are highly sensitive and beautifully emotional, and thus, they attract tons of female friends and usually have very few male friends. In fact, though they have a large number of acquaintances, they find connection with only a select few. They don’t like conflict and get along with everyone—they rarely have enemies. They want to make everyone comfortable at all times—make sure everyone is having a good time. They really like connecting with others, but not just a surface connection: they long for deep, intimate connections with others—intimacy of soul as well as physical touch. They desire hugs and physical contact. In other words, these are the kind of guys that need to be friends with their exes.

Mercy males want to talk about their feelings, but they must be given time to process those feelings. Mercy males actually receive and process information uniquely–a free-flow, circular expression as opposed to the logic-driven, left-brained other gifts. They need a lot of processing time for several reasons: first, mercy gifts process everything through their emotions, which takes longer. In addition, they don’t like hurting people at all—so they will take their time making decisions to make sure they’re not choosing sides or causing pain to anyone involved. Thanks to their detailed emotional processing, they also have deeper and better understanding, insight, and wisdom than the other gifts. And yet, so many times I have seen a truth in a mercy’s life, and I have said it, only to have a mercy come back to me MONTHS later and say, “Remember when you said…” They can’t be pressed for information they haven’t fully processed yet…and still, they always are.

Most mercy males are incredibly artistic and creative (Hollywood is full of mercy males!), whether it is music, art, dance, cooking, performing, or even all of the above. This is partially due to their free-flowing expressive nature and combines beautifully with the way they receive and process emotionally. (Chris Evans, by the way, is an actor—and a dancer, and a musician, and an artist, and a director.) This is not to say that all artists and creative men are mercy males, nor does it imply that mercy males are only artists and musicians, etc. Instead, the mercy male can be found anywhere from the business world to the auto shop to the tech field. I know a mercy male who is an incredibly talented mechanic…this is because mercy gifts have an incredible understanding of how the parts work together to make the whole, and they bring alignment where things are “out of whack.” This mercy mechanic brings his creativity and expressive nature into his work every day and produces an incredible product for his customers. Mercy males are given this creativity and eye for beauty for specific reasons in the church—worship. Worship is crucial and worship is in the mercy DNA.

Mercy males may feel shunned in a society that expects men to dominate everything. In fact, most mercy males don’t even want to be mercy males. They may accept facets of their gift (like sensitivity) but many desire the more “manly” gifts like prophet or administrator. I once had a mercy male tell me that he wanted my prophet gift—he wanted to be bold and to have my decisiveness. He wanted those things because our society has told mercy males that they are not manly enough. He had struggled his entire life with having his sexuality questioned, simply because he was a mercy gift.

And that’s the plight of the mercy male. How do they deal with all these emotions they have and having to process everything through those emotions? How do they deal with the sensitivity, the emotional burden they often “bear” for others? How do they deal with the need for physical touch and intimacy? How do they deal with these seemingly “female” characteristics in a world yelling at them to be more “manly”? Having been built for worship of God, how do mercy males deal with the need to worship and connect with the Lord–especially if they don’t know Him? Unfortunately, too many mercy males deal with their gift in unhealthy ways. They are often left with deep anxiety that transcends what the other gifts may know or understand—anxiety from not knowing how to deal with their large emotional capacity, anxiety over how to deal with the expectations society has for them that does not take into account their incredible gifting. They struggle with sexuality in many different ways—homosexuality, excessive promiscuity, extreme sexual practices to fill the need for physical touch and intimacy. They suffer from substance abuse issues more than any other gift—substances to numb the emotions and pain they don’t want or understand, to help them be “more like” the other six gifts and think logically. They struggle with identity issues more than any other gift—wanting to be someone they are not. They feel misunderstood more than any other gift—because they haven’t connected in worship with their true Creator who understands them completely and designed them to be exactly as they are. The struggle is real for mercy males.

I’ve consistently asked God to break my heart for the things that break His, and this time, God has obliged. This time, my heart is breaking bad for the mercy male.