Tag Archives: commitment

What’s Missing From Sex: Commitment (Part 2)

This blog series is following my church’s series, “What’s Missing From Sex” as my pastor preaches about a topic the church has mostly avoided. This particular post goes with the second sermon in the series and can be found on my church’s website here. I urge you to listen! The sermon begins about 17:00 minutes into the video.

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image courtesy of ponsulak

This is the last blog for my church’s series, “What’s Missing from Sex?” and I have to admit, I’m struggling to write it. Mostly, it’s because my life has changed dramatically over the past few weeks. My uncle—the man who inadvertently introduced me to pornography—had a massive stroke and is unable to care for himself. My family and I have accepted the responsibility of coordinating his care and moving him to live with my family back east. My father—the man who rejected me continuously as a child and adult—has been given 60 days to live and is dying a sad and terrible death. Additionally, I am trying to figure out my feelings about a male friend of mine, which is both confusing and confirming all at the same time. I’m emotionally spent. And to say that I am thinking about commitment recently is an understatement: the word is being redefined in my life on an hourly basis.

I could talk about commitment and the various awesome quotes my pastor threw out about Christians, sex, and commitment, but instead, here are the two things I’m learning about commitment as I’ve struggled through the past few weeks:

Commitment plays a big part in our self-worth. What was it about me that made my father not want to be a part of my life? I don’t know if I ever asked myself this question or considered it as I was growing up. But even so, I lived as if the answer to the question was simply that I wasn’t enough. I conducted my life as a woman who had little self-worth, who asked for zero commitment from anyone before engaging them sexually, who allowed herself to be treated as an object. I was saying to others that I was independent and confident, but my actions showed that I didn’t feel worthy of a commitment from anyone—and that I expected that as well. Thankfully, I know now that this is a lie! I am worthy of that commitment—and so are you. Everyone is. I see it play out through the situation with my uncle: I see the happiness on his face upon being reassured that we are committed to caring for him. He not only feels loved but secure in having others who care for him. Though his situation isn’t ideal, his self-worth can be. It’s that kind of security and self-worth that God wanted us to know when He committed to sending Jesus to save us. He wanted to set us free and ground our identity in Him (1 John 3:1-2).

Commitment is risky. This is my current struggle. I know how difficult it is for me to open up to others. With my male friend, I have felt like he is gently pursuing me, likely somewhat cautious of rejection himself and of my penchant for being a pushy prophet girl who puts up walls and holds him at bay. I struggle with being vulnerable, knowing that rejection has played such a serious role in my past. I’ve been trying to purposely embrace the risk of commitment—to friendship and beyond, if that’s what God wants—in order to truly experience life and love as God intended. I take risks everywhere else—but in relationships, I tend to be a cautious study. We all do. But what a risk God took for us in sending Jesus! The risk is that we would all-out reject him—and in one way or another, we all have rejected Him. But He still did it. Knowing that we would reject Him, He still gave us that choice. The question is, am I willing to take that risk with others? With God? Are you?

The reward of risking honor, intimacy, understanding, and commitment in marriage is a healthy, loving sex life where God defines your worth (and He has said you are worthy!). As I wrap up this series, I want to point out something my pastor said: if God is not the God of your sexuality, then He’s not the God of anything in your life. So I urge you to let God be the God of your sexuality and your sex life—and watch the rewards and blessings pour out on you!

What’s Missing From Sex: Commitment (Part 1)

This blog series is following my church’s series, “What’s Missing From Sex” as my pastor preaches about a topic the church has mostly avoided. This particular post goes with the second sermon in the series and can be found on my church’s website here. I urge you to listen! The sermon begins about 17:00 minutes into the video.

ID-100140529

image courtesy of ponsulak / freedigitalphotos.net

“I just want to feel pleasure. I just need a release. I don’t need a boyfriend, I just want someone to satisfy me.” These thoughts ran through my head for many years as I sought out the wrong kind of relationships to fill a void in my life—a void that I had actually created myself with a dependence on pornography and a thought life that reflected it. One of my many issues stemming from a pornography addiction at a young age was that I grew up believing that people were objects to be used for my pleasure instead treasures to be valued. Pornography had taught me a number of things, but the most important and deadly lesson it taught was that I didn’t need commitment from people—and that I wasn’t capable of giving it, either.

Thankfully, God has healed me of many of these destructive thought patterns and actions while teaching me the following things about commitment:

Commitment takes more than words. For me, commitment didn’t seem that important when it came to people and relationships. I saw a lot of people giving their word but not keeping it—especially in relationships, and therefore, my own personal view of commitment became skewed. But I was looking in the wrong place for my ideas about commitment: I should have been looking at the cross. After all, that is where true commitment was modeled for me in Jesus Christ: He didn’t just say He came to save, He did. He suffered, bled, and died for me—an act that blessed me with forgiveness. The Bible says that we should treat others as we would want to be treated (Luke 6:31). Don’t you want others to be committed to you? I did—and still do.

Commitment takes time. Commitments aren’t created and kept overnight. A commitment isn’t just one action; it’s a series of actions over time that show loyalty, communion, and grace. It’s one of the reasons that God wants sex to happen within marriage: because sex is so personal, so spiritual, so emotional, it is refined and perfected over the years of a long and healthy marriage. It takes time to build the trust, love, and intimacy—whether in friendship or marriage. And we must be willing to sacrifice the time it takes to form healthy commitments instead of depending on the quick fix that will leave us wounded, broken, and still searching for truth.

Commitment takes everything you have. There’s no commitment in pornography, no commitment in one-night stands, and no commitment in the endless pursuit of sexual satisfaction outside of marriage. And in those things, there’s also nothing required of you to give. When I was hooking up with the still-married man or having “a little fun” in college, I wasn’t required to give anything outside of a physical relationship—even though I did and I came away deeply scarred. True commitment takes more than just words and time—it requires everything of you. This is why God created sex for marriage—because He created it for two people who have committed their entire lives and beings to loving and serving one another (Hebrews 13:4). A loving, healthy marriage takes everything you have and everything you are—and it is where sex is best experienced.

As my pastor noted, per Christian Mingle, 63% of Christian men and women from that website have said they would have sex before marriage. For some time, I was one of those people. But in my heart, I never truly believed that I should, and so I didn’t. It is only by God’s grace that I am still a virgin who is saving myself for marriage, even though I have made many sexual mistakes. In order to change my behavior, though, I had to change my thoughts about commitment—and realize that the God who stood by His commitment to save me wanted to teach me about true commitment—through a real relationship with Him.

If you want to know about true commitment through a relationship with Jesus Christ, please visit my Contact Me page! I would love to talk to you about the healing and saving power of Jesus Christ!